I wrote this in 2007, wow, that's 10 years ago.
Recent events have made me realize: I don't know who I am.
I normally refer to Jennifer as a second persona. This is not accurate, although it is a good 1000ft approximation. To me, Jennifer is an alternative way of viewing, perceiving, and interacting with the world. But she's a bit of a black box. Inputs go in, thoughts come out. What's in the middle is a tangle of neurons that no one could ever explain, so we resort to observing the output and trying to explain the middle bit.
The psychiatrist says that Jennifer was created as a coping strategy for a lack of mental stimulation in school---or perhaps I should say a complete absence of any stimulation. I can remember being bored out of my mind (pun possibly intended) as early as grade 1 with Mrs. Gunter. It was a split grade 1/grade 2 class, and the stuff the 2's were doing always seemed more interesting. I realize that argument doesn't make the case, but it's probably one of my earliest realizations that this whole school thing wasn't working for me. As the psychiatrist explains it, the personality was the brain's way of lashing out to keep itself busy. Slowly, over time, it gelled into a single, consistent, alternate, and completely opposite way of viewing the world. And since it happened at such a young age, it stuck. It's hardwired in. I can't turn it off.
I'm sure some of that is true. Some of it is trying to put me into a nice box with an accepted theory. Case closed. The difficulty with that theory, I've come to realize, is where to draw the dividing line between us. It's hard in some cases, and simply doesn't exist in others. We are a blend of two. Whether that happened over time or it has always been that way, perhaps by writing and pondering I will discover more. I'm hoping this will be like what my students do: by explaining the problem or situation it begins to make more sense. And in doing so, I will realize where the gaps are and can begin to connect the dots and fill them in.
An example: When I speak I sometimes get animated and expressive, talking with my hands and over-enunciating just a titch. I always say this is a bit of Jennifer coming out because it tends to happen when I talk about about girly things I'm passionate about (e.g., makeup or clothes). I don't really do the same with guy things I'm passionate about. But perhaps this is just a blend, I'm sure other people do this too, probably. There are other examples too, like sewing. I always think about creating something girly when I think about sewing. I always attribute that to Jennifer, but in reality when I sit down in front of the sewing machine, I take a very precise, technical, and methodical approach to whatever I am creating. Definitely Dave. Where is the line?
Perhaps where things get a bit different is, for example, when I see something like a cute dress in a shop window. I have two concurrent thoughts. I do a typical guy thing and imagine how good it would look on Clara. But then I also imagine the same for myself. This happens all the time, and I can't pin-point which comes first, to me they are simultaneous and both immediately available for further mental inspection. When I was younger a tree would invoke a plot of the quickest way up simultaneously with thoughts of sunday dresses and picnics. It's at times like these when all the explaining in the world can't make me shake the feeling that there's something else going on. It's more than just sometimes dressing like a woman. There is a simultaneous second view there... sometimes.
And on the topic of dressing. Crossdressing? Technically, yes. I like dressing like a woman. So I suppose I am a crossdresser, but using that term feels a little wrong for two reasons. First, the word seems to have sexual connotations and derived pleasure attached to the clothes. I don't really feel that, not as much as the internet seems to suggest I should. Maybe the internet is just full of the extroverts. Maybe I just don't want to bin myself. Second, the clothes aren't required to invoke the happiness of being a woman. I like shopping (as a guy) for girl and guy things. I enjoy doing makeup on others when I'm a guy. I like tapping in to my female side in conversation. No girly clothes required. So it feels deeper than just crossdressing to me. I don't know many crossdressers though, so perhaps my views of the stigma attached to that word will change as I meet some.
Transgendered? suppose I also consider myself a little transgenered too, but it would definitely be part-time transgendered. I don't _always_ feel like a woman trapped in the wrong body. I like being a guy too and have no desire to have surgery, hormones, or ever "transition". I just sometimes like being a woman.
Genderqueer? Middlesex? Nope. I am male (most of the time) and female (I try to be, and I enjoy being, sometimes). I don't feel genderless.
So, I really have no idea. I'll try to explain, but here is where I've always had the hardest time expressing what I think. I may get this wrong. I subject this to refinement later as my interpretations and realizations improve. I feel that dressing up helps me express my female side. And I do enjoy the feeling (but I don't get turned on by wearing pantyhose, or anything like that). I tend be a girly girl. Makeup, crinoline, short skirts and low cut tops, lululemons, fitted shirts, etc.. And when I am thusly dressed, I change my mannerisms (I think) and start listening to all those female thoughts a bit more than I normally do. I think because going all-out girly makes me feel like I am getting away from being guy as much as I can. It's my escape. That's why Jennifer was created in the first place according to the psychiatrist. If I wanted to wear regular pants I'd just do that as a guy. It doesn't help.
But it's not about being sexy and presenting myself as a sexy object, or even wishing to be that. Quite the opposite. I'd like to blend in and be passable as "just another girl". When I have girl's nights you'll find me most often wearing yoga pants and a fitted top. I admit I do like a little attention, just a little, but not in the "standing out in the crowd" way. I mean, what girl doesn't like to be told she's beautiful? To me, I take that as a compliment to skills as a makeup artist and an appreciation of all the exercise I feed my body. And speaking of makeup...
I really enjoy the art of makeup. Not just turning myself into a woman, but all of it. I particularly like theatrical and special effects. There's something satisfying (dare I say exciting?) about taking a blank canvas (my face) and doing a complete transformation, creating something that recognizable as a woman, hides all the guy features, and is maybe even pleasant to look at. Extend that to any makeup project, the feeling is the same. Let's face it, as a guy, I don't make a passable woman. Do a google search for "why women wear makeup" there are lots of conflicting results, some are lol-tastic. I don't feel insecure. I don't feel ugly without makeup (I actually think I'm a moderately handsome guy), but visually I AM a guy without makeup.
Now the sticky topic of cleavage. Again, it's not about showing off and being sexual, not to me anyway, although it's hard to convince anyone of that because mainstream media has associated breasts with exactly that. If you show a little cleavage it's immediately because you're being sexual, right? So if I don't want to be sexual I need to always cover them up. Why do so many women wear low-cut tops then, even in the posh Bloor area in the middle of winter? Are they all single trying to get the attention of men? My gosh I hope not, this isn't Church st. A google search reveals answers from "to get the attention of men", to "because I think it looks nice", with an added "it's a boost to self esteem to believe you look nice". Hum. Well I'm certainly not trying to get the attention of men... or women. I do think it looks nice, but that doesn't feel like the reason. I think it's because it looks feminine, really feminine. Anyone can stuff things into a bra (and when I'm in my yoga gear I do exactly that because it's damn comfy).. but real cleavage.. that's a trick, and for me it's an engineering and makeup challenge. It says "hey, I'm a woman". Sadly, it also says "hey, look here!". And unlinking the two is impossible. When I catch someone looking, or when someone asks me about it, I consider it a success of my skills as a makeup artist and as an Engineer. And that makes me happy. Not the fact that they're deriving some sexual pleasure from it, that doesn't make me happy. They're fake afterall. The rush is that I did it! And moreso than the end result, I like explaining and perfecting the process, as with learning makeup in general.
One last point for now. Do I care if people know I'm a guy? For the longest time I think the answer would have been "yes". When I'm Jennifer, I wanted to be 100% passable. I didn't want anyone to know. That was always impossible for me (no desire for surgery or hormones) so I never really got out as Jennifer except on halloween, and it became clear to me that I wasn't passable. But now that I think back on that, it doesn't matter. Not at all. Now I think the answer is "no", I don't care. What I'd like is for people to treat me like a woman when I'm Jennifer. For that, it doesn't matter if they know or not. What matters is whether they respect and accept it. And if they don't, I shouldn't hang around such folks. It's what all the M2F transgenders want, to be treated and even accepted as a female. It's what the genderqueers want, to be treated as gender neutral and addressed using 'ze' and 'hir' instead of 'him' and 'her'. Perhaps I could even get the odd "wow, he makes a really attractive woman", just to keep my ego slightly inflated. :)
What I'd like to do is get out as a woman a bit more and ponder and reflect more on my time as a woman afterwards. Clara is right. She challenged the psychiatrist and made me change what I just accepted. Now she's been challenging the why of Jennifer. Why the girly clothes? Why the makeup and cleavage? Why do I really do it? I know what the answer is not, but I don't know what the answer is. I've tried to organize some of my thoughts (hah, I sound like Dr. Watson chronicling the adventures of Sherlock Holmes!). I can admit when I'm wrong, so challenge it, make me think about it and reflect on it, make me go out as Jennifer (dinner anyone? Perhaps somewhere with dim lights until I get my confidence up?). With the experience I'm sure the answers will follow.
Recent events have made me realize: I don't know who I am.
I normally refer to Jennifer as a second persona. This is not accurate, although it is a good 1000ft approximation. To me, Jennifer is an alternative way of viewing, perceiving, and interacting with the world. But she's a bit of a black box. Inputs go in, thoughts come out. What's in the middle is a tangle of neurons that no one could ever explain, so we resort to observing the output and trying to explain the middle bit.
The psychiatrist says that Jennifer was created as a coping strategy for a lack of mental stimulation in school---or perhaps I should say a complete absence of any stimulation. I can remember being bored out of my mind (pun possibly intended) as early as grade 1 with Mrs. Gunter. It was a split grade 1/grade 2 class, and the stuff the 2's were doing always seemed more interesting. I realize that argument doesn't make the case, but it's probably one of my earliest realizations that this whole school thing wasn't working for me. As the psychiatrist explains it, the personality was the brain's way of lashing out to keep itself busy. Slowly, over time, it gelled into a single, consistent, alternate, and completely opposite way of viewing the world. And since it happened at such a young age, it stuck. It's hardwired in. I can't turn it off.
I'm sure some of that is true. Some of it is trying to put me into a nice box with an accepted theory. Case closed. The difficulty with that theory, I've come to realize, is where to draw the dividing line between us. It's hard in some cases, and simply doesn't exist in others. We are a blend of two. Whether that happened over time or it has always been that way, perhaps by writing and pondering I will discover more. I'm hoping this will be like what my students do: by explaining the problem or situation it begins to make more sense. And in doing so, I will realize where the gaps are and can begin to connect the dots and fill them in.
An example: When I speak I sometimes get animated and expressive, talking with my hands and over-enunciating just a titch. I always say this is a bit of Jennifer coming out because it tends to happen when I talk about about girly things I'm passionate about (e.g., makeup or clothes). I don't really do the same with guy things I'm passionate about. But perhaps this is just a blend, I'm sure other people do this too, probably. There are other examples too, like sewing. I always think about creating something girly when I think about sewing. I always attribute that to Jennifer, but in reality when I sit down in front of the sewing machine, I take a very precise, technical, and methodical approach to whatever I am creating. Definitely Dave. Where is the line?
Perhaps where things get a bit different is, for example, when I see something like a cute dress in a shop window. I have two concurrent thoughts. I do a typical guy thing and imagine how good it would look on Clara. But then I also imagine the same for myself. This happens all the time, and I can't pin-point which comes first, to me they are simultaneous and both immediately available for further mental inspection. When I was younger a tree would invoke a plot of the quickest way up simultaneously with thoughts of sunday dresses and picnics. It's at times like these when all the explaining in the world can't make me shake the feeling that there's something else going on. It's more than just sometimes dressing like a woman. There is a simultaneous second view there... sometimes.
And on the topic of dressing. Crossdressing? Technically, yes. I like dressing like a woman. So I suppose I am a crossdresser, but using that term feels a little wrong for two reasons. First, the word seems to have sexual connotations and derived pleasure attached to the clothes. I don't really feel that, not as much as the internet seems to suggest I should. Maybe the internet is just full of the extroverts. Maybe I just don't want to bin myself. Second, the clothes aren't required to invoke the happiness of being a woman. I like shopping (as a guy) for girl and guy things. I enjoy doing makeup on others when I'm a guy. I like tapping in to my female side in conversation. No girly clothes required. So it feels deeper than just crossdressing to me. I don't know many crossdressers though, so perhaps my views of the stigma attached to that word will change as I meet some.
Transgendered? suppose I also consider myself a little transgenered too, but it would definitely be part-time transgendered. I don't _always_ feel like a woman trapped in the wrong body. I like being a guy too and have no desire to have surgery, hormones, or ever "transition". I just sometimes like being a woman.
Genderqueer? Middlesex? Nope. I am male (most of the time) and female (I try to be, and I enjoy being, sometimes). I don't feel genderless.
So, I really have no idea. I'll try to explain, but here is where I've always had the hardest time expressing what I think. I may get this wrong. I subject this to refinement later as my interpretations and realizations improve. I feel that dressing up helps me express my female side. And I do enjoy the feeling (but I don't get turned on by wearing pantyhose, or anything like that). I tend be a girly girl. Makeup, crinoline, short skirts and low cut tops, lululemons, fitted shirts, etc.. And when I am thusly dressed, I change my mannerisms (I think) and start listening to all those female thoughts a bit more than I normally do. I think because going all-out girly makes me feel like I am getting away from being guy as much as I can. It's my escape. That's why Jennifer was created in the first place according to the psychiatrist. If I wanted to wear regular pants I'd just do that as a guy. It doesn't help.
But it's not about being sexy and presenting myself as a sexy object, or even wishing to be that. Quite the opposite. I'd like to blend in and be passable as "just another girl". When I have girl's nights you'll find me most often wearing yoga pants and a fitted top. I admit I do like a little attention, just a little, but not in the "standing out in the crowd" way. I mean, what girl doesn't like to be told she's beautiful? To me, I take that as a compliment to skills as a makeup artist and an appreciation of all the exercise I feed my body. And speaking of makeup...
I really enjoy the art of makeup. Not just turning myself into a woman, but all of it. I particularly like theatrical and special effects. There's something satisfying (dare I say exciting?) about taking a blank canvas (my face) and doing a complete transformation, creating something that recognizable as a woman, hides all the guy features, and is maybe even pleasant to look at. Extend that to any makeup project, the feeling is the same. Let's face it, as a guy, I don't make a passable woman. Do a google search for "why women wear makeup" there are lots of conflicting results, some are lol-tastic. I don't feel insecure. I don't feel ugly without makeup (I actually think I'm a moderately handsome guy), but visually I AM a guy without makeup.
Now the sticky topic of cleavage. Again, it's not about showing off and being sexual, not to me anyway, although it's hard to convince anyone of that because mainstream media has associated breasts with exactly that. If you show a little cleavage it's immediately because you're being sexual, right? So if I don't want to be sexual I need to always cover them up. Why do so many women wear low-cut tops then, even in the posh Bloor area in the middle of winter? Are they all single trying to get the attention of men? My gosh I hope not, this isn't Church st. A google search reveals answers from "to get the attention of men", to "because I think it looks nice", with an added "it's a boost to self esteem to believe you look nice". Hum. Well I'm certainly not trying to get the attention of men... or women. I do think it looks nice, but that doesn't feel like the reason. I think it's because it looks feminine, really feminine. Anyone can stuff things into a bra (and when I'm in my yoga gear I do exactly that because it's damn comfy).. but real cleavage.. that's a trick, and for me it's an engineering and makeup challenge. It says "hey, I'm a woman". Sadly, it also says "hey, look here!". And unlinking the two is impossible. When I catch someone looking, or when someone asks me about it, I consider it a success of my skills as a makeup artist and as an Engineer. And that makes me happy. Not the fact that they're deriving some sexual pleasure from it, that doesn't make me happy. They're fake afterall. The rush is that I did it! And moreso than the end result, I like explaining and perfecting the process, as with learning makeup in general.
One last point for now. Do I care if people know I'm a guy? For the longest time I think the answer would have been "yes". When I'm Jennifer, I wanted to be 100% passable. I didn't want anyone to know. That was always impossible for me (no desire for surgery or hormones) so I never really got out as Jennifer except on halloween, and it became clear to me that I wasn't passable. But now that I think back on that, it doesn't matter. Not at all. Now I think the answer is "no", I don't care. What I'd like is for people to treat me like a woman when I'm Jennifer. For that, it doesn't matter if they know or not. What matters is whether they respect and accept it. And if they don't, I shouldn't hang around such folks. It's what all the M2F transgenders want, to be treated and even accepted as a female. It's what the genderqueers want, to be treated as gender neutral and addressed using 'ze' and 'hir' instead of 'him' and 'her'. Perhaps I could even get the odd "wow, he makes a really attractive woman", just to keep my ego slightly inflated. :)
What I'd like to do is get out as a woman a bit more and ponder and reflect more on my time as a woman afterwards. Clara is right. She challenged the psychiatrist and made me change what I just accepted. Now she's been challenging the why of Jennifer. Why the girly clothes? Why the makeup and cleavage? Why do I really do it? I know what the answer is not, but I don't know what the answer is. I've tried to organize some of my thoughts (hah, I sound like Dr. Watson chronicling the adventures of Sherlock Holmes!). I can admit when I'm wrong, so challenge it, make me think about it and reflect on it, make me go out as Jennifer (dinner anyone? Perhaps somewhere with dim lights until I get my confidence up?). With the experience I'm sure the answers will follow.
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